In Between Heaven and Earth

Back in the fall of 2007, I had two teenaged stepchildren, two elementary school children, and a toddler.  And God gave us a farm.  We weren't even looking for a farm.  We loved going to the beach, and I had grown up on Lake Guntersville, so a lake house or a beach house would have made more sense.  But somebody e-mailed Rick and said, "I heard you were looking for a farm."

We weren't, but we went to look at it anyway, and when we drove up, I said, "I've been here before."

I had.

The couple who owned it go to our church. Karen had even helped me teach Sunday School one year and had invited our little Sunday School class down for an Easter Egg hunt.  I knew the property, and as Tracy, her husband, started showing us around, we knew that it was for us.  He loved that old horse farm, but we were thinking those horse trails would be perfect for four-wheelers. And there was a big hay field with so much room to run, and a pond where the kids could fish. So perfect, and so near, 30 minutes from our house, if the traffic isn't too bad.

It was a gift, a perfect gift from God, just right for our family, and we had not even thought about it.

So much of life is like that. It's lived when we're not looking, or searching, or striving.

Why?

Because there is a God in Heaven, and He reigns. He's not distant or unaware but He is intimately involved in every little detail of our lives.

I bought this little chair for that farm, for Bronner, and I'm not sure he ever even sat in it.  But I remember him loving the gravel in the driveway. It was little pebbles that he loved to pick up and throw. He was sitting there in that driveway while I was talking to a contractor about things that needed to be done to the little farm house, new siding, new tin roof, that kind of thing. We were on the porch, and he was right there in plain sight just picking up the pebbles and filling a bucket with them when he decided to take off down that little dirt road as fast as he could.  Well, thankfully, his mama was pretty fast too. I was a sprinter on the track team back in the day. I ran and grabbed him up, and I thought, "My goodness, do you need that big hay field, little one!"  Oh, and he loved the four wheelers.  He'd ride right in front with us loving every minute of it.

I wanted him to grow up on that farm.

But it wasn't to be.

You know what I use this chair for now? And I use it; I do.

I use it as a step stool.  I keep it in the kitchen at our farm, and it dawned on me just recently how appropriate that really is.  Because Bronner taught me how to reach higher, to step into a place that isn't quite Heaven but it's not quite the earth either.  It's somewhere right in the middle, and that somewhere is right where God wants me to be.

That night, that cold, dark night in January, 2008, when I pulled my baby up out of the water and ran inside with him, laid him on the couch, pulled off his wet clothes, and breathed air into his lungs and watched his chest rise and fall but without one ounce of life left in it.  That's the moment.  So many times I tell this story and I rush past it because it was so fast and there's so much more to tell and maybe because it's just too hard to stay in that moment too long, but today, tonight, that's the moment I want to land on.

Because it's important.

Life before that moment had a little sweetness to it, but it was far from perfect.  There were lots of things that made life not so perfect, but it was nothing I couldn't handle, nothing I couldn't tackle, fix, work on, make happen by sheer force of will.  And I did, buddy. I made some things happen because I CAN, because I'm strong and smart, and I'm a real hard worker. I get stuff done. Don't you?

Of course you do. As Americans we're taught from the cradle, there is nothing you can't do! The world is your oyster. Find all the pearls you can! Work hard; achieve the American dream. You can do it all, anything you want. It's for the taking, and it's all... for... you...

The World.  Have at it!

But God.

In His unsearchable wisdom looks down at us with compassion and mercy and grace because He knows that we're just dust.  And to dust we return.  Our lives are just a vapor, a blade of grass and a fading flower.

We forget that sometimes, and God has to remind us. Because we think we're so strong. We think we can do anything because that's what our culture tells us. And we have become just like the generations before us, civilization after civilization of idolaters. Lovers of self and lovers of money, pursuing pleasure and gratifying every desire of the flesh. We've become so self-sufficient, so obsessed with what we can set our eyes on, that we've forgotten that other place - the more - that which we can't see. What we have forgotten is God.

And so He pricks us - and maybe pinches us - just to say, "You know, I'm just as real as anything you can see with your fleshly eyes. Look harder."

That has always been our problem from generation to generation to generation.  The problem of unbelief. Faithless men and women throughout all of history.

Don't you remember that the earth at one time became so wicked, so utterly evil, that God had to destroy it with water?  We were in Arizona once and visited the Red Rocks of Sedona, and it was so interesting to look and see right there in all those layers of sediment one layer not so red, one layer not like any of the others.  And the woman taking us on the tour tried explaining it, but Rick, always the voice of reason, looks at her and says, "Or maybe that layer of ocean like sediment could be the result of a global flood, just like the Bible says there was. It could be that."

She didn't have anything to say to that.

And if the Bible is true - and I believe it is, not only because the Holy Spirit of God within me confirms it but because it has proven itself true in countless ways not only in my life, but in yours - do we realize that there were only eight people who made it into that ark?

Eight, one man and his family.  Today, Noah might be hard pressed to get his whole family on there. Eight people out of the entire ancient world were worth saving.  That's pathetic.

But God did save those eight people and He tried again, and what was the name He gave to Moses when He began teaching the people how they should live?

"Then Moses said to God, 'If I come to the people of Israel and say to them, 'The God of your fathers has sent me to you,' and they ask me,'What is His name?' what shall I say to them?' God said to Moses, 'I AM WHO I AM.' And He said, 'Say this to the people of Israel, 'The Lord, the God of your fathers, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob, has sent me to you.' This is my name forever, and thus I am to be remembered throughout all generations." (Exodus 3:13-15)

I am THE LORD.  I AM.

Because people ALWAYS forget that there's a God in Heaven who sees them.

And we become godless, or worse, we make gods of ourselves or other people or things.  But God isn't like us. I'm always amazed by the story of how Satan came to be. This angel - Lucifer, beautiful, wise, all of that - wanting to become God.

But it really makes no sense because God is so different from anything else.  Every one of us, humans, angels, demons, everything can point to a day when they were born or came to be. We all have a beginning.

God doesn't.

He is from everlasting to everlasting.  And He created everything else.  Everything. Every leaf on every tree, every animal, every blade of grass, and every hair on every head.  He created it all.  No body, no thing, can boast of that.

God is incomparable.  Nothing, no one comes close.

But when we remember that we are just dust and that we need God to help us, to deliver us, to redeem and shepherd us, to teach us and guide us, and bring us into His presence, He gives us of Himself and we become a part of who He is and what He's doing.  That's when we look beyond ourselves - to God - who is holy and perfect and good.

Calamity can do that. It can make us remember. It can make us remember who we are and to whom we belong.

Calamity isn't a word we use that often. It's a Biblical word. Webster defines it as an event causing great harm or loss and affliction: disaster. I had a sneaking feeling that didn't quite get to the heart of it, so I looked it up in Strong's Exhaustive Concordance of the Bible, which I like to do. I knew I was going to find something interesting, and I did.

Right off the bat I found that the Hebrew word for calamity is pronounced, "aid," as in Kool-Aid. And that's exactly what it's supposed to be, an aid to your spiritual growth. That Hebrew word "ade" comes from another root word that means firebrand or poker used for gathering or turning embers. Have you ever taken a fire poker and used it to punch at or stir the coals of a fire and watched the flames get bigger and bigger each time you touched the fire?

I have.

Calamity takes embers that are about to be snuffed out and makes sure they don't, and sometimes stirs up a flame that burns brighter and brighter.

And have you ever seen someone take a firebrand, put it in those coals and get it so hot that it glows red, and then touch it to the backside of a cow? That type of branding is meant to let you know who that cow belongs to. God does the same thing with us.  It hurts, no doubt, but one who has been marked in this way knows to whom they belong.

The Bible tells us so specifically that suffering is a part of the Christian experience. But for some reason we just won't hear it. We don't want to think about it, no matter how true it is, or even how clear it has been made through scripture or in that other person's life. We just don't want to believe that God will use calamity and suffering to grow our own spirit or to fan into flame any bit of fire that we might have for the gospel. Maybe it's as simple as this: we're scared. We don't want to have to go through what it will take. But don't you trust Him with your soul? Don't you know that He's your Father who loves and strengthens you? Suffering and calamity are a part of the Christian experience for that very reason, so we don't forget our Heavenly Father and that our faith and trust in Him will not grow cold.

"For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in His steps.  He committed no sin, neither was deceit found in His mouth. When He was reviled, He did not revile in return; when He suffered, He did not threaten, but continued entrusting Himself to Him who judges justly. He Himself bore our sins in His body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By His wounds you have been healed. For you were straying like sheep, but have now returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of you souls." (1 Peter 2:21-25)

Don't you forget it. Don't forget it, dear child of God. And "don't be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ's sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when His glory is revealed." (1 Peter 4:12-13)

"For it was fitting that He, for whom and by whom all things exist, in bringing many sons to glory, should make the founder of their salvation perfect through suffering." (Hebrews 2:10)

And if He is made perfect through suffering, then so are we.

"The Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs--heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with Him in order that we may also be glorified with Him." (Romans 8:16-17)

God wants us to be a part of Him.  He wants to be able to call us children. That's why He allows calamity to strike, so we'll remember that He is THE LORD and we are not.

Because when we're in that moment, that moment of destruction, the moment where we see ourselves as who we really are - utterly helpless - nothing but dust - all we can say is GOD HELP ME. GOD HELP ME.

BECAUSE NOBODY ELSE CAN.  And we know it.

When I looked at my baby lying there with no spirit of life left in him. I knew God alone could help me. That's the moment, people.  That's where He wants us. Because that's when we know, "I can't fix this. I need something better, something greater than myself." Because we've all made gods of ourselves. But when we are looking at our lifeless baby, not just somebody, but somebody real special. Somebody we carried in our womb for nine months and nursed for eight months. With the other kids in school and Rick at work, Bronner was my life.  And I loved my life with him.  That's the moment of perfect humility when I knew that I wasn't God but I needed Him real badly.  That's the moment when we know we need God, and that's the moment that we know that He is.

He not only is, but He is able.

And He is....  able.

But He's also greater in wisdom than any of us grasshoppers here below. And His ways and His purposes are so beyond searching out through human eyes. But with the help of the Holy Spirit, who is truth and comfort and power and peace, we can begin to see it.

We can see divine plans being played out before our eyes.  A Divine Being too wise to give us everything we want here in this world because if He does, we will never reach high enough to touch the hem of His garment and be healed of our selfish, sinful ways.

We'll never reach high enough to even desire something greater - God - Heaven - life everlasting. Without calamity in our lives, would we be satisfied with this?  Earth - where God only casts His shadow but doesn't truly live. Would it be enough? Death alone should be enough to make us want more. More life, more meaning, more purpose.

And we don't know when that moment is going to come.

It came to a small Baptist church in Texas a week ago Sunday.

Are you ready?

Jesus said, "You also must be ready because the Son of Man will come at an hour when you do not expect Him." (Luke 12:40)

I can see so clearly now that God used Bronner to help me step up to a different place - not quite to Heaven - even though I grasp at it all the time. I reach out for just one touch of the hem of His garment.

I wanted Heaven at first because I wanted Bronner and I still want Him, but now I know that more than I need Bronner, I need God - who is from everlasting to everlasting. Not like anybody else.

He is better.

And my aim is to please Him in any and all things that I can.

But my feet aren't really on the earth either.  My citizenship is in Heaven.  My hope is in seeing the glory of God face to face.  That's coming for me.  I don't know when but I know it's coming, and I wait for it.  But not idly.

I walk somewhere in between Heaven and earth crying out, "Sinner, dear sinner, come home."

There's another word for calamity in the Greek - epikaluma - which means covering or cloak, to conceal, cover, forgive.

A calamity isn't something you get through. It's utter disaster. That old part of you is gone and you're covered, marked, by something different.  You wear it for the rest of your life, like a cloak, an outer garment, that conceals. So in this way calamity has to do with forgiveness and reminds us to die daily to ourselves and live unto God.

Way back in September of 2004, I prayed and fasted that God would set me on a course to crucify the sin in my life. A few days later I found out that I was pregnant with Bronner.

God has used that baby, that sweet precious baby, to refine me in the furnace of affliction so that I might shine for Him.

"You are the light of the world," Jesus said, "A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house." (Matthew 5:14-15)

What's it going to take to get you up in that place in between Heaven and earth, up in this place where God wants you, where you can touch both God and the evil in this world and be used to do something about it?  What's your stepping stool? What will it take for you to cry out, "God help me." And then, as a cleansed sinner yourself, to begin crying out, "Sinner, dear sinner, come home."

Dear LGBT Community,

I do not hate you.  I love you so much that I was willing to die for you.  My father sent me not to save the godly or the righteous; I came for the ungodly and sinners.  My father is holy, perfect, and good.  I am His Word.  I am perfectly wise for I created everything including you.  I created you in my image and with a hole in your heart that can only be filled by the Spirit that proceeds forth from both my father and myself.  My Spirit’s name is Holy.  I did not come to condemn you but to redeem you and give you of my Spirit to help you.

When I was here before, some people brought a woman to me who had been caught in the act of adultery.  They wanted to stone her for her sin.  I told the crowd there that the person with no sin should cast the first stone, and one by one they all dropped their stones.  They knew they had all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.  I asked the woman where her accusers were, and she said, “They are all gone, Lord.”  I told her then, “Neither do I accuse you; now go and sin no more.”  This is what I ask of you.  I know that you have inherited from the first man, Adam, a sin nature, and it is strong.  But I am stronger.  I am a great conqueror, and I am here to help you. 

Think not that because you are bent toward sin that you cannot master it.  You can, but not without me.  Sin lies within each human being, but I have given you more than flesh and instinct.  I have given you a spirit that desires fellowship and oneness with its maker.  This is how I have made you.  I came to pay the price for your sin on the cross.  I ask you now to nail it there and come into my light.  The Bible is a light and a path for all mankind.  I spoke it by my Spirit to people in order to reveal myself to mankind.  I want you to know me.  My Word is not dead but very much alive just like myself. 

I came as a servant before.  I am coming the next time as conqueror and king.  I want you to be on my side when that happens.  I gave the rainbow as a promise that I would never again flood the earth with water. It is a symbol of that covenant that you can still see today as a reminder that there is a way of salvation for mankind if he is willing to enter into fellowship with me by faith.  I asked Noah to build an ark, and he did.  He was a man of great faith.  He believed me when I told him that I was going to send a flood as a baptism to cleanse the earth of its unrighteousness in that age.  He and his family were the only ones who believed.

I would have welcomed any and all on the ark in that day that I sent the flood as I am doing now in this time.  I welcome you all into my presence, but it is a conditional invitation.  Lay down your life for me.  Die to your sins and live in relationship with me.  Believe my word and know that I am coming again.  Will you be for me or against me when I come?  Will you shrink from me in fear or shame, or will you rejoice and be glad when finally you see my face?  The road I ask you to take with me is a hard one but it is not without reward.  There is a heaven waiting for you, a paradise that is filled with good things.  The time you have right now on the earth is very short.  But I will give you an eternity here if you choose to follow me.

There are those to whom I will give white robes of fine linen to wear as they ride behind me on white horses back to the earth at the end of the age.  They are those who are humble and meek now, and they will inherit the earth at that time.  Will you throw off your pride and humble yourself before me?  If you do so now, I will exalt you when the proper time comes.  Cast your cares upon me, for I care for you.  Your enemy, the devil, wants to destroy you.  Resist him and draw near to me, and I will protect you from his evil scheming against you.  He is a liar and a murderer, but I come to you with truth and eternal life. Come to me now and be at peace.  I am rest for your weary souls.  I am truth and life, and I love you. 

Jesus

We are NOT on Top of Things

Well, it’s happened. The question. After countless interviews over the past two months, a radio host in Orlando, Florida asked me to tell his listeners the importance of “being on top of things” from the standpoint of water safety. It’s understandable given the fact that Florida has more drownings than any other state.  I’m not upset. I’m glad it happened because it gave me and gives me the opportunity to say that we are most definitely NOT on top of things. 

God is.

“The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.” (Proverbs 16:9)

We aren’t in control of anything.

The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord. (Job 1:21)

Life and death are in God’s hands.  It’s man’s pride that tells him he can depend on himself to keep everyone safe, to provide, to do anything at all.  But God says, “Apart from me you can do nothing.” (John 15:5)

That’s the whole point. That was the lesson.  God is omnipotent, having all authority in Heaven and on earth. He gave Bronner. He took Bronner. But I will see him again. And I will stand in the presence of God and give account for what I did with it. 

Have I grown weary? 

Yes.

Have I wished to be done with this world?

Yes. 

Have there been days when I felt completely and utterly alone?

Yes. 

But God…

But God, changes things. 

He reminds me that His mercies are new every morning.  He reminds me that He is my portion and that I can hope in Him. 

Like Jeremiah, I lament over my sorrows.  I throw pity parties.  I cry. 

And when I cry, I cry to God.

And He is there. 

He is there. 

He tells me to trust Him in all things, that He is making all things new, and that one day, death shall be no more. 

No more. 

And I love Him for it.  I love my God greater, better, deeper, and higher than I ever did before my suffering. 

And I have suffered.  I have suffered much. 

But God.

But God was there for me in my suffering. 

He touched me with His presence.  He made Himself known to me, so that I may delight in Him the way I delighted in Bronner.  He fills me up to overflowing with His peace, His love, and even His joy. 

He has shown me that He is beautiful and kind and good and faithful.

He tells me that everything is going to be OK. 

He tells me He loves me. 

He shows me how much He cares. 

He teaches me that my suffering is like His suffering.

I know what it’s like to lose a child, so if I love my God, I don’t want that for Him.  I see clearly that He is using Rick and Bronner and me to bring some of His children home to Himself, to make us see the good in the midst of the trials of life and the great tests of faith behind them, and to trust Him with all of it. 

And I do trust Him. I trust Him because I know He is good and because I know He loves me and because I know that this is about eternity. 

And it’s eternity that I’m in this for.  So I willingly suffer for His name’s sake because I have learned to have compassion on the One who is the author of compassion, the author of life, the One who holds my life, my heart, and my baby in His hands... forever. 

Preface to Bronner: A Journey to Understand

In setting out to write this book, I wanted to introduce you to my sweet Bronner.  He was only two-and-a-half when he went to Heaven.  I never say “died” because I don’t feel that he has.  I truly see him as going on to another place.  Bronner didn’t cease to exist.  He has been transported to another land, distant and mysterious in that I have never been there before nor can I go there right now and haven’t even the vaguest idea when I might be able to go there, but also the most assured of places in that I am certain of the way and long for it like no place on earth.

Heaven has my heart, my citizenship, my baby, and my God.  It is the Land of the Living and the Kingdom of Light.  In contrast, earth is the land of the lost and of the dying.  Bronner has been found and taken to the truest place, the best place, a place many will never find even though the Lord God specifically said, “Seek and you will find.”  Many people seek God in a way that is only palatable to their own desires.  They want God to be who they want Him to be, not who He really is, and so they never find the real, true God.  Many people find God’s ways offensive, harsh, arrogant even.  But, when you seek God for who He truly is, you’ll find that He is magnificent.

In times of tragedy, grief, or despair, some people grow so angry with God that they turn away from Him completely, but in the turning away, they are showing faith.  “Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.”  (Hebrews 11:1)  They believe in God, but what they are doing in turning away from Him is saying, “I don’t like you.  I don’t like your methods, and I don’t want anything to do with a God who would…  fill in the blank.”  What they are doing is REJECTING GOD.

When my life’s great test came to me, I already knew God in an intimate way.  I called Him my father, my savior, my teacher, and my friend.  He had walked me through many lesser trials before.  This time He was going to have to carry me, and I trusted Him to do that.  Why?  Because… I knew Him to be good.  God’s goodness and mercy had already been poured out by the bucketfuls upon this wretched creature called me.  By the time I stood in that baptistery at Lakeview Baptist Church in Oxford, Alabama at the age of 25, I already had a quarter century’s worth of sins to wash away, but as I stood there wearing a robe of white, I felt God’s Spirit moving upon me with healing in His wings.  And, as Brother Jerry lowered me down underneath the water, my former life was vanquished.  “Buried with Christ.”  Hidden.  Covered.  Washed and cleansed of the former life.  “Rising to new life in Him.” 

“Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation.  The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.”  (2 Corinthians 5:17)

I was a new bride at that time, figuratively and literally, having married my husband, Rick, just two months prior.  I was also a new mom of sorts.  Rick had been married before, for a short time, but it had been long enough to produce two children, Brandi and Blake.  They were there at my baptism.  They were five and six years old on that day, April 21, 1996.  They were there again at that same small church when their little brother, Brooks, was being dedicated to the Lord.  We all stood together in a circle as Brother Jerry anointed him with oil and as we all promised to help raise him in the fear and admonition of the Lord.

It was in that little church in the small Alabama town where Rick spent most of his childhood and where he graduated from high school that God would anchor Himself to our family, holding us and keeping us close to His bright shores.  It was there in a Bible study called “The Mind of Christ” that I had been amazed at the discovery that the Bible contains ALL the answers.  As a child, I remember looking up into the sky and wondering, “Where are you, God?”  “Can you see me?”  “Why can’t I see you?”  “Do you love me?”

I found out just how much.  And, as our family continued to grow in the fear and admonition of the Lord, adding Brody, and then Bronner, my heart began to overflow with the joy of the Lord.  I was soaring on the wings of an eagle.  I had tasted and had seen that the Lord was good.  He was very, very good. 

And, then came January 19, 2008 shooting me like a shotgun right out of the sky.  No more soaring.  I wasn’t even standing.  I wasn’t even on ground level.  I was in a pit, deep and dark, but I was still holding on to someone’s hand.  It was the hand of the ONE who had lifted me up out of darkness once before, the hand of HE who had HIMSELF knit me together in my mother’s womb, the hand who had spoon fed me the truth of John 3:16 but who was now going to feed me the meat and the bread and the wine of 1 Peter 4:1-2.

“Since therefore Christ suffered in the flesh, arm yourselves with the same way of thinking, for whoever has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin, so as to live for the rest of the time in the flesh no longer for human passions but for the will of God.” 

None of this was going to be easy.  I had been torn from my baby.  He was ripped away from me, and it wasn’t a clean break.  After all that goodness, Lord, what are you doing?  Why?  We had been so happy!  Our family was SO happy!  And, we were doing all that you had asked of us!  My goodness!  Rick was speaking at a youth retreat when it happened!  Weren’t we giving enough?  Now, You’re going to take our baby?

The BABY?

MY baby.

I needed some answers, so I jumped in the ring and wrestled it all out with God.  I wasn’t going to let go of Him until He answered me, until I could make some sense of this whole matter.  Well, here I am, LORD, still standing in the ring, but instead of wrestling with You, I’m here to tell YOUR story.  The story of how You took me deeper and higher and further with You than I ever thought possible. 

At the end of Job’s struggle with the LORD, he said, “I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees you…”

Through suffering, Job learned.  He grew.  He saw God in a new way, the way of reverence and awe.  When we come face to face with the POWER of the ONE who created all things and through Whom all have their life and breath and being, we begin to see things as they really are, not through those rose-colored glasses I threw away long ago. 

TRUTH.  That’s what I wanted.  That’s what I got.  That’s what I have to tell.

God has always taught us through stories, through the lives of ordinary human beings.  Here’s mine.  It isn’t tidy or fun or sweet or cute.  But, it’s mine, and it’s Bronner’s.  Someone might say he “died” for this story.  I hope it will mean something to you.

From One Salt Dispenser To Another

Writing is a lonely business, but I never really felt alone those five years I spent writing my book. God's Spirit was my constant companion. I depended on Him for every word. I was so in the Spirit for so long that I was sustained.  I felt so called and compelled by God to complete this project that I believed I would be in sin if I didn't finish it.  I still think this book will be my single greatest contribution to God's kingdom in this generation.  It's that important.  The sacrifice, the pain, the solitude, the hours upon hours of study, prayer, and contemplation that went into it even before one word was written made this feel like a mission. It consumed me. I could not rest until it was finished, and I couldn't see beyond the writing.  I didn't know how much effort and time and publicity was involved in the publishing process. After all that time alone, I've been thrust into somewhat of a media whirlwind with interviews coming almost everyday.  I'm very thankful. I want to get the message that God gave me during those five years of wrestling it all out with Him into the hands of as many people as I can because I believe it will help them to understand that God loves them even when it doesn't seem like he does.

It's been a hard transition, and Rick has been praying for me nonstop. Yesterday, I went to see an old friend, mentor, and former Bible teacher of mine, and she prayed for me too. Then, she gave me this salt cellar that once belonged to her grandmother's first cousin who was a missionary to Japan many years ago, a family heirloom I was very hesitant to accept. But she told me I am family to her. We are all family who belong to Jesus Christ. We are brothers, and we are sisters. We are called to give generously and beautifully and sacrificially to one another. That's what Penny Pace did for me yesterday. She wanted me to be reminded always to be salt and light in this generation.

Then I went to another friend's house to pray, and as Julie and I talked and prayed, I realized what God is doing. I was so humbled when Bronner first went to Heaven. I wanted nothing of this world, but only to walk out God's purpose for my life, which for a long time was writing a book. But that's over, and God has brought me into a new season. He wants me know that I need Him just as much now as I ever did. If I want to be salt and light, then I have walk in the Spirit continually. And if I want to do these interviews to "my utmost for His highest," then I can't do it alone. Rick and I can't do this alone.  I'm going to need Penny and Julie and Janice and Anne and Leslie and Linda and Susan and Pam and Lisa Ann and Wendy and Lynn and Kim and Meredith and Maegan and so many others if I am going to do this any justice at all, but most of all, I have been reminded that it's God I need most in this life. I need His wise and discerning council every moment of my life because I am weak and fallible and fallen even if I have been redeemed.

Thank God that where I am weak, He is strong. "Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me" (1 Corinthians 12:9). And I pray that the manner of life that I lead from this day forward will be worthy of the gospel of Jesus Christ, a life that is fearless and bold, one that casts every anxiety upon Him because I know He cares for me, and one that is watchful.  Oh how I know the adversary prowls around like a roaring lion seeking someone to devour, but greater still do I know the power of God to protect, to heal, to grow, sustain, and fulfill.

Will you be salt and light with me? And will you watch and pray with me?  I need you dear friends and sisters and brothers in this season where I have found myself to be a messenger for God. That is no small thing, and I have felt its weight. But I believe God is with me, and that He is within me.  What can man do to me? And what do I have to fear? 

Father, glorify your name. 

Shattered

When Shattered Magazine wanted to know what my childhood dreams were, I was kind of stumped.  I couldn't even remember.  It's been so long since I've thought about my younger self. I've been caught up in the moment of the life that I am living now - raising children, loving and losing Bronner, wrestling it all out, and writing what I've learned.  For me, there hasn't been a before or after, just life being lived, doing the best I can and trusting God with the rest.  

It wasn't until after I got off the phone with the reporter on Monday, that I understood what she was looking for.  She wanted to know if my hopes and dreams had been shattered and whether or not God had picked up the pieces and put me back together.  I hung up the phone and went for a run through the woods and around the pond at Veteran's Park.  It occurred to me as I ran that nothing good in me has been shattered. God shattered only what needed to be shattered: worldliness, pride, and self-reliance.  I'm no longer tied to world the way that I was before, and that is so freeing.  Because I'm not in love with the shiny things of the world anymore, I'm free to live as God is calling me live, following the Spirit however and wherever He leads. "Not my will, but thine, O Lord, be done." This is God's will for me and for you.  

Just before the first anniversary of Bronner's Heaven-going, I was reading through 1 Peter as I had done many, many times before, and 1 Peter 4:1-2 jumped off the page at me screaming, "This is why and this is what you must do." I remember it like it was yesterday.  I was sitting in my rocking chair on the front porch of our little farmhouse in Jemison, Alabama wrapped in a blanket and holding a hot cup of freshly brewed coffee, and there they were, the words that changed my life, "Since therefore Christ suffered in the flesh, arm yourselves with the same way of thinking, for whoever has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin so as to life for the rest of the time in the flesh no longer for human passions but for the will of God." 

This is a universal truth, for if we are in the flesh, we will suffer.  So take this flesh of mine, O Lord, and do with it what you will.  I am yours, and, hallelujah, You are mine! And You, Oh Great God, are enough for me. 

Jesus is our Joy!

Celebrating lots of love and laughter this holiday season, for "Jesus is our joy and His joy makes us strong." Oh, how we love our Lord, each other, and even the life circumstances that have brought us to this place in time where we can say, "Yes, Lord, in all things, You make us glad." There is no better feeling than to know you have been obedient to the Lord's call and command. My book, Bronner: A Journey to Understand, is the product of a call and command on my life that was brought forth at tremendous sacrifice, and now that is it is complete, yes, I do feel like celebrating! God is good, and ALL His plans and thoughts toward me are good. He is mighty and majestic but kind and filled with comfort, love, mercy, compassion, and grace. How can we do anything but celebrate Him? He is our great treasure in this life and in the one to come. Oh, praise Him! "Oh, praise the One who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead!"